To my forever Big Sis!

“I know you can do it. Be brave!”

In my life, over the past 3 years I felt this gut feeling. The day I won’t ever forget ..

28th of January, 2016 something. “Help! Help! Somebody help us!” I keep shouting on the late night at our town. I keep asking to my neighborhood because my Mum was having a seizure. CDRRMC finally came together with their first aid kit after that we rush my Mum to the nearest hospital.


A week before Mum suffered already a heat stroke. We stay at the hospital for almost a week and after that the doctor advised us to go home as my Mum gets feeling better.


“Nay! Nay! Be brave, don’t leave me!” I keep whispering to my Mum’s ear as she running out of her breath. Doctors doing some check like ECG, vitals and so on. I can see that the doctors were gaving a lot of things they can in order to save my Mum but they failed. The doctor advised me to get ready as my Mum can’t live the way she was before, at the time of 1.00am 29th of January, I tell my Mum to get rest. I can’t keep looking at her suffering from those medical tubes in order to survive. So I decided to get those out from my Mum’s body and she will get rest.

This day was the most painful decision I ever made. I don’t want my Mum to suffer but I don’t want her to leave me forever.

My tears burst at the emergency room as I my Mum left me at 1.50am. She’s gone, forever!

It may hard to accept but I need to.


27th of September 2019, Aunty Edna called at the middle of the night informing me that my Half-Sis Jen was in a comatose for almost near to week.

I felt pain as I hear those words. A couple of months before Ate Jen ask me if she can borrowed some money for her medical check-up as she was a pregnant for almost 4 months. I send some money, telling her that she don’t need to pay for it neither.

Way back in my childhood days, Ate Jen was one of my favourite sibling. She was 10 years older from me. We both grow up in a small family but things went wrong when she decided to leave the house. Those reason of her are not yet confirmed why she need to leave us at the age of 16 something.


4th of October, early of the morning Aunty Edna message me asking us (some of my siblings on my Mum’s side) the same difficult question “Your Ate Jen were dependent to those machines as the doctor told his husband they need to pull it out as she suffered an asthma that cause damage to her brain! Would you like to pull it out, those oxygen and tube for feeding? If you want to pull it out your Ate Jen can get rest already even her husband too”.

Those questions can’t sink on my head, those difficult ones? Should I pull it out? But I want Ate Jen to live fully. I want her to nurse her baby newborn. I want her a mom for her 3 kids but also I don’t want her to suffered alot! Those words keep asking me, those words keep haunting me. I don’t know what to do! 😔😭


At first I was so afraid to be alone cause they say being alone makes you feel weird, far from the others, but for me – now I realized that being alone makes me think. Think on how can I be a better version of myself. To think how can I overcome some of my problems and most of all being alone makes me happy because I know no one can judge me being myself.


“Mom don’t leave me, I need you more than you need me”.

Those repeat voice I heard on my dream.

Never thought to think her again

Those smile she gave to me

Will always be my energy

But when she left me

I wasn’t ready


I cried and cried

But she left me behind

Suddenly I realized

Where am I?

Those dreams makes me cry

Missing my Mom by and by.